Health
I spent all day in the ER yesterday. The problem was hallucinations. I am talking about visual hallucinations here: seeing a kid sitting on a wall without being able to see his head (there was really a kid sitting there, and I saw him fully after blinking); seeing a car and thinking it was wrecked, only to realize it was whole; and not thinking a shelf was empty only to realize there was an item on it. I have just gotten out of approximately two weeks’ depression, and I thought that was related, but in the ER they told me it probably wasn’t. They said visual hallucinations of that kind probably aren’t mental-health related. They also said that it probably wasn’t related to my medicine. They did a CAT scan of my head; that was all normal, no bleeds or masses. I have an appointment with a neurologist on Monday. I hope that it’s a combination of stress and perimenopausal hormonal changes. I really, really hope I do not have anything seriously wrong with me.
I have been going through stress for a long time now. I think I need to take life not so seriously. Exercise, yoga, something, so I don’t feel so much stress. Maybe that’s part of my hypochondria, too. Stress.
Interesting epiphany
Since writing my last post, I had an interesting epiphany. If a person is truly a Christian, they desire to follow Christ. And if a person is a new or immature Christian, and doesn’t know a whole lot about following God, a pastor or other church leader who claims that following them is following God can gain total control of that person very easily. That’s what happened with me. And when a pastor gains control of a person like that, they want to keep that person immature and ignorant about what following God really means, to keep control over that person. So a person who is trained like that, if they do leave the church, tends to find another controlling church, and if the pastor leaves, they tend to vote in another controlling one. It’s a sad state, and I’m not even 100 percent sure how I broke out of it. I’m glad I did though, but I know that I’m not totally out of it, because I do seem to still want to cling a little too much to pastors.
Control
I was writing an e-mail to a pastor, and I told him about the amount of control my mother in law’s pastor has over her – and that man had the same amount of control over me. You couldn’t disagree with the pastor; what he said was wrong, was wrong; what he said a Bible verse said, it says; and if you sin, you should tell him. And I realized something after I wrote that; it’s really creepy.
I mean, you shouldn’t be a butt-head to anyone, and many pastors really know a lot because of their education. And they can help if you get invovled into sin. But as far as getting control over people; that’s a sin. I’m sure most pastors don’t try to do that.
I’m not sure what the role of a pastor should be, nor am I sure of what a normal, healthy relationship between a pastor and a congregant should look like. I’m looking forward to finding out. I know it won’t happen overnight, but I know I have made progress in it. And my friend Karen has a healthy relationship with Louis. That’s been a good model for me, too.
I do know, however, what a healthy church looks like. Emmanuel is healthy. And City Edge seems to be off to a good start. I know I can be myself there. And Karen, she sent me a beautiful card, saying God wants me just as I am. And that’s one thing I need to remember.
I’m feeling more and more positive as time goes on. I’m glad I haven’t tried to “suffer in silence” and have been talking (usually e-mailing) to both Karen and Billy, as well as keeping in with the churchabuse group. This has helped me to expose my insecurities, and when I have been doing things just because, and when I start thinking in a way that’s self destructive.
Depression
I tend to suffer from depression. So I look up causes for depression on the internet. I am 42 years old, female, and definately in the perimenopausal phase of life. It’s also fall. One article I read said that the fluctuating hormonal levels of perimenopause can cause depression, and also in the premenstrual phase. Another article said that certain people have seasonal affective depression, where they get worse in the fall and winter, and better in the spring and summer. I know that’s always been my pattern, and, also until the last few years, I would usually only get depressed in the premenstrual phase of my cycle. Now my hormones just don’t know what to do!
But, anyway, I have found these causes for depression, but they don’t really help me feel better. I think that in spite of all this scientific stuff I know, I need to go with some other stuff I know, too. One article had a woman talking about how she invested in a bright light and sat under it for a half hour in the morning and afternoon each day, and it got her out of the seasonal depression. I live in the Tucson area, for crying out loud! And I know that I feel better if I get some sunlight at least almost every day, and in Tucson, there is some sunlight almost every day. I just need to go outside more.
The fluctuating hormonal levels is more difficult to take care of, but not impossible. Starting in my late teens, I was conscious about when I would suffer from PMS depression, and when I wouldn’t, and, invariably, the times I would not was when I was in a time of life where it wasn’t particularly stressful, and there wasn’t external things that would make me sad. I can not control all external with stress and sadness, but I can be good to me. And that’s what I need to do; be good to me. I do not mean be self-consumed; what I mean, is get enough rest, excercise, eat as well as possible, and even though it is tempting, do not use chocolate as an upper, because what goes up, must come down.
In spite of everything I do, I still might become depressed. I must never blame myself for it; I have gone down that road before. I have blamed myself for my depression, saying if I had been following Christ more, I would have allowed his peace to fill me and not be depressed. I have also blamed myself by saying I must not have been taking care of myself enough. Neither is true, and blaming myself only has the result of making me more depressed. I have also allowed myself to think that my depression is a weakness, and that also is not true, and thinking that has also made me more depressed. So I need to stay away from that kind of futile thinking.
Losing myself?
Eeek! I think I’m kind of losing myself. Got a little discouraged yesterday. Anyway, I guess what I’ve been doing is reading blogs, listening to sermons, getting involved in internet forums, getting involved with friends, and even reading the Bible without really considering how I feel about these things, these people, and what it means to me. And, as a result, I feel like I am sort of losing myself. Also, yesterday I was going on not enough sleep, and also some other physical stuff, and that also affected how discouraged I was. I’m not nearly as discouraged today, and, in fact, I am starting to look forward to what I can discover about myself in light of the healing that I have gone through, and in light of the fact I now know that God died for me, too.
A friend of mine gave me some good advice – to think on what I am passionate about. My pastor also gave me good advice when I told him on Sunday that I’m thinking about taking some seminary classes – he said to never look upon the Bible as just a textbook; that it’s the living, breathing Word of God. Oh, I know that he was talking about something different, seminary, not looking for identity, but the not looking at the Bible as a book, but the living, breathing Word of God, that’s good stuff. And also I came up with something on my own – write down things that I know is true about myself, and what I’m trying to do / be, that I’m not sure is 100 percent true about myself. And I know one thing is true about myself – I love Arnold. I know that he’s not 100 sure about what I’m becoming, but I know that’s something we will have to go through. I also know another thing that’s true of myself – people, especially hurting ones. I like to help when / if I can. I also know that I like to write, and although I feel deeply for people, I need a lot of alone time, and time I don’t do much. I like to play video games, but not really involved ones. I like things like solitare, minesweeper, scrabble, majonng, sudoko, and stuff like that. Games that are very simple, word or puzzle games. I don’t really like role playing games, because when I’m playing games, a part of myself is thinking about things and who I am, so role playing games really defeats the purpose of playing games for me.
Well, I can complain and be bitter…
I have been doing a whole lot of research of where my denomination stands, and conservative / fundamentalism in general. I have also been doing a lot of reading on the subject of spiritual abuse. And I came to a stunning conclusion. Yes, my denomination takes some conservative / fundamentalist stands that I do not like. And yes, I really don’t like it when churches get far into the conservative fundamentalist movement. The thing is, I can’t do anything about it. I mean, I could leave my denomination for one of the more liberal ones, but, as far as I can see, the good weighs the bad in my denomination. And I could keep complaining about conservative / fundamentalist churches, and feel a little anger everytime I see them. But that doesn’t hurt them; it hurts me. I do think it’s good that I have found other spiritually abused people on the ‘net, and I also think it’s good that I had delved into “church politics” the way I did. But if that’s all I do; relive my abuse and look up everything I don’t like about conservative / fundamentalist churches, and complain and be bitter; well, isn’t that just making myself miserable? Not to mention everyone around me! Isn’t it so much better to be serving God even though there are some men in the pastorate that shouldn’t be there? Isn’t it so much better to be serving God even though there are churches that hold to beliefs that I totally disagree with.
I remember shortly before my mom passed away. I told her that she was a perfect example of someone who was totally disabled yet made things brighter for everyone around her. She said “Well, I knew it wouldn’t do me any good to cuss out the life that I have been given.” Indeed. And it doesn’t do me any good to cuss out pastors that don’t belong in the pastorate, and churches which are, in my opinion, legalistic.
Saturday morning
It has been a long week. I have been struggling with stress and depression, and I decided to do one thing that has always helped – get some exercise. So I got my bicycle, a Giant OCR 27 speed road bike, and hit the road.
It has been months since I went bicycling. The first thing I realized was that my jersey and bike shorts must have shrunk. But I could still wear them, although they were a little tight. The second thing I realized was that both of my tires were almost flat, and I could not find the adapter for the little presta valves to use with the air compressor. Nor could I find the full sized hand pump I usually use with my bike tires, as we had recently moved and are re-tiling the house we moved in to. So I was forced to use a mini frame pump to pump up my tires, not fun. But I got enough air into them and I was off.
As soon as I started out I remembered why I wanted to move back here to the Marana area, even though it is about 40 miles from where I work. It was wonderful. I was riding along, through the old neighborhood, and thinking how it really hasn’t changed all that much, still 1 house per acre for the most part, still a lot of manufactured homes, some old, some newer. I rode down the road, over the brige over the Oro Blanco wash where I used to hike and ride my horse when I was a teen-ager. I kept riding, down to Green Acres, which I first saw almost thirty years ago. I used to ride my bike down this route a lot when I was a teen ager. Again, it hadn’t changed much; this neighborhood is all manufactured homes, some old, some newer, some well taken care of, others – well, you wonder how people could actually live like that.
I enjoyed the fact there was little traffic. Riding in Tucson, there is so much traffic; you are breathing exhaust, and some people cut way too close. But out here there is a car only every so often. And the roads are paved, and actually smoother on the shoulders than a lot of the roads I rode on in Tucson.
Anyway, riding down through Green Acres was a ride through memory lane. Here is the road my friend Tami lived on. There is the road my 4H leader Karen lived on. And I remember we had a “shortcut” from the end of the road Karen lived on through the Oro Blanco wash to our neighborhood. And I remember almost getting thrown from my horse once because a snake under a bush in that shortcut startled her.
After Green Acres, I turned onto Silverbell road. When I was a teenager I always had to turn around at the end of Green Acres when I was on my bike because Silverbell was not paved then. It is now. So I rode down Silverbell, and over an old one lane bridge, which went across the Oro Blanco wash again. I remember once when I was riding my horse down the wash I got to the bridge, and I inadvertantly gave my horse the signal to kneel. At that time, I did not know she could kneel on command, nor did I know how to get her up. I was afraid she was going to decide to roll over with me on her back! But I got her back up. And now, upon approaching the bridge on my bike, I stopped for a few minutes, thought about what was, and got a drink of water. While I was getting a drink, a SUV approached, and since the bridge was so narrow, I had to let him by.
After the bridge, there was just desert for a little while, very beautiful. My front tire was getting low, so I had to stop and put air in it. I was starting to get tired by this time, but I knew I was only a few miles from home. So I just rode, enjoyed the desert, noticed there was, again, a few more houses than there was when I was a teenager, but over here there was a house, a ranch, and then a house, not the one house per acre. I could also see the tails of the aircraft at Pinal Air Park to the Northeast.
I got back to the road I live on, only about a mile from my house, and realized my front tire was flat. I put more air in it, but I need a new tube. So I went the rest of the way home. Upon getting home, I did not put my bike back in the shed; I put it in my bedroom. I think I will get back into riding regularly. This was a very beautiful, very enjoyable way to spend the morning. I thought of a lot of what was while riding, but I was also very much in the beauty of the present, and the promise of the future. I love it out here.
